Role Reversal
by lovelydangerousdear
Summary: Crackish AU. Sanctuary Detective Valkyrie Cain, went to her boyfriend/partner/pupil's family reunion. She found Skulduggery's family to be very, very condescending. And muggle. Needless to say it was an early evening. A snippet of what life might have been like in a different time line.


**Disclaimed. This is weird. It's an idea that's been bothering me for a while soooooo here.**

"Are you sure about this?"Valkyrie asked leaning again the door frame. Her dark eyes swept over his small bedroom, in his small flat and then settled on him, lingering on his broad chest a bit longer than necessary.

Skulduggery Pleasant, formerly known as Aedan Foley, smirked at her smugly. "What's this? The infamous Detective Valkyrie Cain, is, dare I say, scared?"

She huffed. "You know that's not it. I'm just...ill at ease with the situation."

Skulduggery straightened his tie, and place his new vintage hat- a birthday gift from Valkyrie- over his crop of brown hair. He tilted his head. "Why would you be ill at ease, my dear?"

"Because, Skulduggery, this is your family reunion, an event filled with mortals and more importantly, you're ex-wife will be there."

"And my son."

Valkyrie nodded. "And you're son, you're thirteen year-old son, who couldn't possibly by happy to watch his thirty-five year old father run around with a twenty-some year old girl."

"You mean a two-hundred-sixty-some year old who looks like a twenty-some year old." Skulduggery retorted, pushing back some of her hair back.

"Yes well." Valkyrie cleared her throat. "I would look older but I turned myself into a statue when I wan fourteen, got stuck like that for a few decades if you can imagine."

"Really?"

"Yes, why do you think I've never shown you Earth manipulation?"

"Because, to use your own words, you're_ 'a necromancer, who throws a couple of fire balls here and there'_."

"Ah no. No. Earth manipulation just turns you into a statue."

They left his little bachelor-flat and found their way to his car, the apple of his eye, a 1954 Bentley R-type continental one of 208 ever made. Valkyrie found such a conspicuous car terribly impractical, but she supposed, he was a grown man and if he wanted to live in a past that was never his she wouldn't stop him.

"So why did you do it?" He asked, as she buckled her seat-belt and straighten the hem of her dress.

"Hm?"

"Why did you turn yourself into a statue?"

Valkyrie paused, tilted her head-damn him, she was picking up on his quirks already- and then looked forward. "That, young man, is a story for another time."

She expected him to laugh at the 'young man bit' but something in her tone through the joke off, and he remained silent.

"It's one of those war things I'll tell you about later, like maybe when were about to go visit your family."

"You don't have to,"

"I know." She paused and ran her fingers through her hair. "Maybe I'll want to someday."

Skulduggery made a left and began to hum softly.

It was getting dark out, the streets lamps were on, casting a fake, yellow-orange glow on the buildings and street. Valkyrie gave a breezy laughing sigh that caught Skulduggery of guard. "Frank Sinatra? Really?"

"What? He's the only man who might have been more suave than I. _Might."_

Valkyrie hummed, "I'm not disagreeing with you, the man had talent, but I find a great irony in the fact that I '_a two-hundred-sixty some year old' _live more modernly than you do. Vintage car, vintage suits, it's like you are trying to create yourself a little slice of the past."

"I like the past, there's a certain romance about it that I find incredibly beautiful, don't you?"

Valkyrie fell silent as they pulled into the parking lot of an old beautiful, and famous restaurant. She took a deep breath, as he got out of the car, walked around the car and opened the door for her. Valkyrie stepped out and took hold oh his arm, slipping her hand into the crook of his elbow. "Perhaps I'm biased, but I'm not terribly fond of the past myself."

They entered the restaurant.

"So what shall I introduce you as?" Skulduggery murmured glancing at her face.

"I'm not going to tell you my given name."

"I just wasn't sure if you wanted to be introduced as-"

"Your new girlfriend?" Valkyrie and Skulduggery snapped their head towards an older approaching man.

Skulduggery inclined his head.

"Hello Father. This is-"

"Valkyrie Cain, pleasure to meet you sir."

He smiled a little tightly at her, "I wish I could say the same."

And then he turned and left, leading them to his family's reserved table.

Valkyrie raised a brow, and Skulduggery's head drooped a bit as he led her to follow.

The table was large and decorated with all sorts of finery that made Valkyrie nostalgic for a moment, but only for a moment because the tension around the table was really, very hard to ignore for any longer than that.

"Valkyrie, now that's an interesting name you have me dear." Skulduggery's mother said. "Very strange."

Valkyrie smiled, and ignored the blatant prodding, "Yes, well, my father was a solider for a very long time, and my mother always loved Norse mythology."

The table remained silent.

"Valkyries are mythological woman who collected souls of those slain in battle. Or something like that."

"Well, that's just fantastic." Skulduggery's father said, tartly. "So what do you do for a job? A waitress? Secretary work?"

"Actually I'm a detective."

"You? But you're so young."

Valkyrie sent Skulduggery, who was examining his lamb with an intense stare, a withering look.

"I'm a bit older than I appear."

"Still, though. Police work? I'm rather impressed. Have you caught any bad men? Made the streets a little safer?"

Oh, Valkyrie was simmering beneath her serene lopsided smile, a skill China had taught her years ago though _her_ smile was of course perfectly symmetrical, but she was not going to punch Skulduggery's father for being a patronizing ass. She was much older than him, and she would act her age.

Even though, technically, he didn't know that.

"I don't like to boast but I do have a bit of a track record, don't I Aedan?"

Skulduggery snorted before he could stop himself. "Oh, yes. Especially for your 'shoot first, ask questions later' policy."

Valkyrie glared.

The table fell into silence once again, until Skulduggery began conversing with his son over some video game the boy was really enthusiastic about. Valkyrie smiled softly to herself, and thought of her own father. She should probably tell him about Skulduggery, maybe even introduced them.

And then she paused, glancing at Skulduggery's father. Maybe she'd start with Uncle Gordon first, just to be safe.

"So Valkyrie, what do you think about marriage?" Skulduggery's mother asked.

Valkyrie choked on a mouthful of wine, and blanched a bit. "It's, uh, good."

Skulduggery looked at her intently.

"Well of course it is. I mean God intended man and woman to be united in a union of monogamy,_ til death do they part_-"

Valkyrie gulped down a mouthful of wine, _'and that is where Skulduggery must have gotten his pretension,'_ she thought; Skuldggery gave her one of his looks- jaw set, head tilted, burning gaze- and she knew that he could tell what she was thinking. Or he was just upset she was trying to drink herself into a stupor.

Or he really, really didn't like what his father is talking about.

"I'm sorry, but are you dropping hints here or what? Because I really can't tell where you're going with this." Valkyrie muttered sarcastically, before she could stop herself.

Skulduggery's excellent hearing must have been a family trait because everyone was staring at her apparently completely unhappy with her lack of charm.

She resisted the urge to bang her head against the table and sigh, she didn't mean to sound condescending but Skulduggery's family were such-dare she day it? Ah what the hell- muggles. They were almost more horrible that Harry's parents in that stupid children's book Tanith made her read.

Ok, so she actually enjoyed the book, but hey if Tanith could act like a four-year-old half the time, she could damn well enjoy a kids book.

"Well you see my, dear, you're a young thing, and we know this must be a bit of fun for you, waltzing around with a rich older man like my son, but I feel it would be in your best interests to step aside."

Valkyrie glanced studiously at Skulduggery who remained, impassive though she could see his anger with the tension in his shoulders.

"And why is that?" She asked.

Skulduggery's father gave a pitying sigh. "Because my dear, marriage is supposed to be forever. Divorce is a sin, and dear Clarice here, and I have talked." He gestured to a pretty blonde woman with watery eyes and a passive face. Next to her, Skulduggery's son was scowling.

"And we've both agreed that both parties acted hastily in this divorce, and it would be best for Seamus if they tried to work things out."

"And what about what I have to say?" Skulduggery asked standing up. Valkyrie had to admire his mastery of being able to show his ire without even raising his voice.

"Aedan, you need to stop philandering around with this, this harlot, and come home." Clarice said standing up.

Valkyrie got to her feet immediately. "Who the hell are you calling a harlot?"

Needless to say, Skulduggery hat to grab her before she could start throwing punches and they left, ending the unpleasant evening early.

"I'm sorry about that."

Valkyrie hummed nursing her ankle; she had tripped in her heals and consequently sprained it. " 'S alright."

They sat in the silence of the Bentley for a while.

"Are you alright?"

He shrugged.

And more silence passed.

"She cheated on me."

Valkyrie said nothing, and kept her eyes forward.

"She cheated on me multiple times too, and then they have the nerve to talk about the sanctity of marriage. You know for a long time I felt like a failure after the divorce. I just wanted to be a good husband and father. That's all I wanted."

Valkyrie, hesitated internally before placing her hand over his. "But now you have magic, and you'll pass the years by staying youngish and handsome, and you'll get to watch her wither away."

Skulduggery remained silent for a moment. "You know that's a pretty morbid thought."

"Yes, but it's one that you enjoy."

He tilted his head. "Only a bit."

They lapsed into silence for a while. "I'm divorced too."

Skulduggery stopped at a red light and then turned to look at her. "You never told me that."

She shrugged. "You never asked."

"And you didn't think I'd like to know?"

Vallkyrie remained silent for a moment. "I felt like a failure too for a while, but then again it's hard to maintain a marriage when your always fighting an age old conflict. Very little time for romance, and bonding or whatever married people do."

"You are absolutely terrible at comforting people. Please desist."

Valkyrie couldn't help but laugh softly at that. "Sorry." she swallowed. "I haven't talked to anyone about it in a long time."

"Neither have I."

"It was a very short marriage too. Very short." Valkyrie mused.

"Oh? How long?"

"Erm. Twenty three? Twenty four years maybe?"

Skulduggery pulled into her driveway. "...That's not short at all."

Valkyrie shrugged. "I guess not." She glanced up at her mansion, and then back at Skulduggery.

"You know I don't think I've ever showed you the renovations I made."

"You had renovations made? To what room?"

"The master bedroom."

"Ah. I don't think I've ever seen the bedroom."

Valkyrie opened her door and stepped out. "Then there's no better time like the present."

Skulduggery hesitated a moment and then stepped out and followed her, setting the car alarm as he did so.

* * *

Omake:

It had been a long, long time since he'd felt so light, and relaxed, and Skulduggery smiled as Valkyrie nestled against him.

"I never took you for a cuddler."

"And I never thought I could get you to stop talking for such an extended period of time."

He glanced at the clock. Extended period of time indeed.

"Yes well my mouth was busy doing other things, but if you prefer next time-"

Valkyrie kissed him.

He pulled back after a while, completely breathless and laughed as she yawned.

They lay in silence fo a while for a little while, and then: "So who were you married to?"

Valkyrie stiffened.

"Fair is fair love, you've met my ex. May I at least know yours?"

"First and foremost, nothing in life is fair, and secondly, you've already met my ex."

"I have no recollection of this."

"That's because very few people know we were married to begin with. We had-still do come to think about it- to keep it on the down low."

"So? Who is it?" Skulduggery asked, craning his neck to study her face.

She yawned.

"Valkyrie?" He asked impatiently.

"Mr. Bliss." She yawned again and her voice trailed off.

He blinked. "You're joking."

There was no response.

"Valkyrie?"

He looked down to find her asleep against his chest. He sighed and looked at the ceiling.

He wondered, if Clarice was so possessive of him, he wondered how The Strongest Man in the World might feel about Valkyrie's new relationship.

He then pushed that thought away. He really didn't like the idea of being the source of ire for The Strongest Man in the World.


End file.
